Thank you. It's nearly 40 years since I left a destructive marriage, but I still need to hear this: I would rather be a trusting person.. than someone who cannot trust. It's good to be reminded to forgive oneself.
This is so on point Philippa, as usual. Everyone who gets mugged spends time in a state of confusion - why was I so stupid to walk down that dark alley? This man is so typical of the smooth, new age predator type as you say, especially in the neo-tantra world, and I'm sure he's so wrapped up in his own bullshit he'll never have the courage to self-reflect and grow as your reader's letter suggests she will. She just got ripped off, be she's ultimately not the loser in this story x
I can’t claim that this metaphor is original to me, a client told me that’s what limbo felt to her. I tend to remember all my clients’ metaphors because they’re so good! And helpful.
I spent 12 years married to a man who was gambling behind my back and also having affairs. His two daughters and I formed a wonderful relationship and though I ended that marriage over 23 years ago, I am still in contact with them. I love them dearly.
It takes time to understand that you are, in fact, the most important person in your life, and that the story is indeed, yours to write. I have been married to the most wonderful man for over 16 years now, together for 21.
You will absolutely rise up from and out of these feelings of abandonment and find your sparkle again, and you need to allow that to happen. Love yourself as you deserve to be loved.
I love Phiñippa’s response. I thought exactly what she said: a bitter person doesn’t write a letter like this. This letter shows strength and a desire to grow and evolve. The husband is a narcissist clearly. I suspect some of the pain is the letter writer is feeling is for having been duped by him for so long. But she mustn’t blame herself. Narcissists are so clever at fooling everyone.
I can really relate to this, on a lot of levels. I'm just over 2.5 years post difficult breakup.
The grief for me felt like grieving for the future I thought I was going to live, and gradually letting go of that was really transformative.
For me, it was being kind to myself, being patient and reframing the time alone as an opportunity to learn, and grow and to work on myself to become the person I knew I could be, so that the next time I let someone in, they love the REAL me, the self-actualised person, rather than someone who's changed themselves to be in a relationship with another person...
I'm hopeful that will be the case and my boundaries will hold, next time ❤️
As always very skilful and helpful answer . Not sure about the phrase ‘skilful tart’ though personally speaking . But this could be just me and semantics. This isn’t meant to be a massive criticism or anything or upset anyone especially you Phillipa as you do such good work . And I thankyou for it !
Thank you. It's nearly 40 years since I left a destructive marriage, but I still need to hear this: I would rather be a trusting person.. than someone who cannot trust. It's good to be reminded to forgive oneself.
Agreed. I copied and saved that exact passage from the response. Thank you, Philippa.
This is so on point Philippa, as usual. Everyone who gets mugged spends time in a state of confusion - why was I so stupid to walk down that dark alley? This man is so typical of the smooth, new age predator type as you say, especially in the neo-tantra world, and I'm sure he's so wrapped up in his own bullshit he'll never have the courage to self-reflect and grow as your reader's letter suggests she will. She just got ripped off, be she's ultimately not the loser in this story x
Lovely response to a very moving question, thank you Philippa.
"You have got off one bus, you are waiting for the next bus. That wait at the bus stop is always the worse bit."
I can’t claim that this metaphor is original to me, a client told me that’s what limbo felt to her. I tend to remember all my clients’ metaphors because they’re so good! And helpful.
I spent 12 years married to a man who was gambling behind my back and also having affairs. His two daughters and I formed a wonderful relationship and though I ended that marriage over 23 years ago, I am still in contact with them. I love them dearly.
It takes time to understand that you are, in fact, the most important person in your life, and that the story is indeed, yours to write. I have been married to the most wonderful man for over 16 years now, together for 21.
You will absolutely rise up from and out of these feelings of abandonment and find your sparkle again, and you need to allow that to happen. Love yourself as you deserve to be loved.
"He is not the author of your story, and never was." beautiful writing
Thank you
I love Phiñippa’s response. I thought exactly what she said: a bitter person doesn’t write a letter like this. This letter shows strength and a desire to grow and evolve. The husband is a narcissist clearly. I suspect some of the pain is the letter writer is feeling is for having been duped by him for so long. But she mustn’t blame herself. Narcissists are so clever at fooling everyone.
I can really relate to this, on a lot of levels. I'm just over 2.5 years post difficult breakup.
The grief for me felt like grieving for the future I thought I was going to live, and gradually letting go of that was really transformative.
For me, it was being kind to myself, being patient and reframing the time alone as an opportunity to learn, and grow and to work on myself to become the person I knew I could be, so that the next time I let someone in, they love the REAL me, the self-actualised person, rather than someone who's changed themselves to be in a relationship with another person...
I'm hopeful that will be the case and my boundaries will hold, next time ❤️
As always very skilful and helpful answer . Not sure about the phrase ‘skilful tart’ though personally speaking . But this could be just me and semantics. This isn’t meant to be a massive criticism or anything or upset anyone especially you Phillipa as you do such good work . And I thankyou for it !
Beautiful.
Wonderful advice and so eloquently put.